Going Back To Where I Left…

…to finish the race.

WordPress.com has been a great comfort, but now I have to face my fears and I can only do that by facing my past square in the eye, and telling her that I can be better.

Sorry for the trouble, guys.

I know I am eccentric.

So You’re A Charismatic Christian, Eh?

I just watched Jesus Camp, and it got me thinking about some stuff, about my personal walk of faith, about what I believe.

I grew up in a charismatic environment. For those of you who understand what “speaking in tongues” is, I grew up in a church where overnight meetings would mean speaking in tongues non-stop. I grew up in an environment where women dressed in white and danced in front, just below the stage while we sang Christian songs. We did all the charismatic numbers – the prophecying, the healing rallies, the works. I can’t remember when I picked up tongues, but I did when I was a little child. I was really young.

Then when I was a young teen, my family and I shifted to a church where things were a little less charismatic in the adults session. And then I attended church youth camp.

Youth camp was pretty much like what any huge radical youth camp would be like. We had good sound systems, a good music band with high tech instruments, radical pastors, radical worship and prayer sessions. It was a truly emotional experience… One that makes me feel “closer” to God’s presence, one that helped me (truly) to break free from the bondages that have hurt me and freed me from my teen angst.

But even so, even as I’ve truly been blessed by all these Christian meetings, I know that there is a big loophole in today’s charismatic Christians, especially teenagers.

I am a hypocrite. I say a lot of things I believe but never know how to practise. But I am not alone. It’s a real wonder how we Christians out there can turn and mortify something so beautiful into something so hypocritical sometimes. Church – in a way – turned out to be a fashion house. A meet-up place. Sure, we got the gospel, we got the Sunday message. But we also got the BGR issues. The materialism. The hang-out syndrome. We got a lot of things to be proud of, but we’ve also got a lot of things we should be ashamed of. Things that make some Christians say “Why go to church anyway? It’s full of people who never practise what they preach. I might as well stay home, and continue being a good Christian.” That’s the hugest (and unfortunately the strongest) excuse someone could ever pick up and use.

If you are in the same spot. If you have the same reason running through your mind. Let me beseech you. Christianity isn’t about me. It isn’t about that guy who goes to church and sings in the choir and then watches blue films when no one is watching. It isn’t about that girl who goes to church and shares her testimony about how she managed to get into one of the Ivy League colleges and then bitches about her friends behind their backs.

It isn’t about how people live out their lives.

It never was.

It’s about how YOU are going to live YOUR life.

Who cares whether a certain pastor is gay? It’s his problem, it’s his issue. It’s not your issue. Your issue is YOUR life. Only YOU can decide how YOU are going to life YOUR life.

I’ve stopped praying in tongues since I got here, actually. I talked to some people about it before I left for Europe, and then I talked to some people about it after I’ve been here for sometime. I still believe it’s a spiritual gift… that God uses some people to speak of languages they don’t know so that those who don’t believe can hear the good news being spoken in their languages. But I also believe that it comes from conviction of the Holy Spirit. I don’t know how old I was when I picked up “speaking in tongues” but I believe that if that was God’s gift for me, He’d impress upon my heart for me to speak it once more, with conviction that I didn’t just “follow what the adults did because I thought it sounded right”.

I still believe that some people can see angels, some people can prophecy, some people can interpret tongues, some people have that healing touch from God to heal others… I still believe in miracles, because if it were not for a miracle, I wouldn’t be here typing this.

But I also have questions about today’s Christian… I wonder how much of what the church does is REALLY Christian and pleasing to God. But that doesn’t mean I plan to shy away from the church… just because I know that there are a few spots that need cleaning.

I feel Christians on the whole – we are not doing enough. We have been backsliding on our own paces. We have given reason for the world to take advantage of our faults and ridicule us.

But that doesn’t mean we have to give up.

I believe I live for something more… I just wish I was living up to that something more.

Right now in Prague, I attend a Baptist church – partly because it was the first church I attended and I felt at home with it quickly and partly because I wanted a break from all that charismatic thingy that I could easily get back at home.

Here, we don’t speak in tongues. In fact, some of the elders don’t really consider it very important. People don’t live up their hands when they worship. They don’t shout “Amen!”s or “Preach it brother!s”. They don’t do all the stuff I’ve been brought up thinking it’s really normal to. They don’t do passionate praying. They don’t do a whole lot of stuff.

But I don’t think God is “less” present every Sunday.

Sometimes the charismatic Christian in me is just being fired up, searching for that something more. And sometimes I’m just feeling ever so content in my comfort-zone.

I am reminded by my atheist friend, “How do you know you weren’t conditioned to believe what you do believe?”

It strikes me funny though. I have a choice. Indeed I have a choice. At this very moment, I could choose to -you know. Just denounce my faith. And then draw lots and see what other faith I’d like to try out. Maybe I could be a Muslim for a week, and just “try it out”. And then for another week, I’d draw lots again. Maybe become Buddhist for a week, and see whether I’d like it. And then I could try… you know. Hinduism. Atheism. Just ignore God for a whole month and live according to my own morals.

But you know, I’ve already made my choice. And despite what the media tells me… about Christian fundamentalism and what nots… Or despite the hypocrisy I live among… Or despite how some issues about religion piss me off sometimes… I’ve made my choice. I chose Jesus. Because I see a hope in him that I can never achieve. I never chose “Christianity” per se. I chose Jesus.

It doesn’t really matter how charismatic I am. Religion is a constant evolution. People invent rules from day to day. There are some rules from the Bible which are not applicable in today’s society. E.g. women should not speak in churches. We have great lady Pastors who are as anointed as their male counterparts in today’s church.

History is a constant evolution. The way we re-tell history makes the whole difference. And we re-tell history based on our own bias. The only thing that is constant is God, because he holds the Past, Present and Future in his hands. Time does not constrain God. Humans may try to constrain God, but we really end up just constraining ourselves and hardening our human hearts.

Christianity, like any other religion, is a constant evolving subject matter. But Christ remains the same, yesterday, today and forever. That’s why I didn’t choose Christianity. I chose Christ. And that makes all the difference. People may fail me, Christians may fail me as I may fail them, but Christ never fails me. And that is why I chose Him.

State Of Mind. Note to Myself.

So you’re feeling lazy, eh. Why are you so weak-hearted? Self-control is but a a state of your mind. So start working harder, or you’ll never get anywhere, Flo. What happened to the hardworking Flo? Bring her out and shove yourself in a cupboard and lock the door. Let her do the studying, if you don’t have the mood to.

——-

I’m practising my psychoanalyzing skills, please don’t mind me. XD

Si Bidadari

Wrote another Malay song.

Listen to it either here or here.

Semua perkara mengambil masa
Semua masa mengajar hati
Semua ajaran membentuk diri
Oleh itu akan ku tunggu
Oleh itu ku menunggumu.

Martian Child

A good watch for future dads out there.

Dennis was cute.

——-

I shall start with my Project Anatomy and Neuroanatomy for real tomorrow. Have something up my sleeve. Have a good week, everyone.

Different.

I don’t know why, but my new arrangement of furniture makes me feel as if I’m in Ipoh. It’s weird… I mean, I just switched my table and my bookcase the other way round, and I feel my room is not the same anymore. (Kinda like this new arrangement though… it’s less capable of being messy, I think.

Or maybe it’s the cool morning air compared to yesterday’s hot weather.

You know.. the more we grow, the more I see that my friends have developed some sort of Principle of Life that they define themselves to. I’m speaking in terms of religion. After the 20-year-old threshold, everyone claims either one of the three categories: Religious, Sittingonthefence, Atheist.

It’s strange how we all develop our ideas on how this world came to be, how God is so real (for the religious) and man-made (for the Atheist). How though? How do you come to a bottomline, a conclusion that you are able to bet your life with? Nobody wants the wrong path, and everyone believes they are on the right path to eternal goodness and satisfaction.

And as tolerant human beings, everyone is confined to their own believes, and have to let others decide what they will decide, despite believing that what they already believe is “The Ultimate Truth” and that all other paths are wrong. If they decide to expose them to their beliefs (in certain parts of this world), it is an infringement of rights, and others might be offended or in turn, criticize what they believe.

So the real question is not whether one believes what he/she believes anymore… It’s about acting out what one believes. For example, me being a Christian – do I really mirror Christianity? Or is it just a namesake? What is so attractive about Christianity that I haven’t left it (and don’t plan on, either) for my whole life?

Anyone can believe a religion… whether it be Scientology, or Oprah Winfrenology, or footballogy, or Materialismology, or Selfology, or Internetology or Atheism or in any other religion we’ve got in Wikipedia.

We, as young adults and older… we all have our own preferences. But we were also made with a sound mind to discern between Truth and Pretense, between Passion and Apathy, and between Eternal Life and To Live For The Moment.

So, before you choose your religion, think. Because – you’ll never know what you may learn from other religions. But ultimately, choose a religion not because of the members or people’s deeds, but because of what you know will fill the emptiness in your heart when you hit rock bottom, and give you hope when all is lost.

Jesus gives me hope, and that’s why I’m a Christian. You may find your hope in other places, everyone is entitled to a choice. But, do, choose wisely. Your life is too precious to be bet on something if you’re not sure of it, no matter how much you are pressured to believe a certain belief in your society, or no matter how “it doesn’t really matter to you now” and no matter how the believers of a certain faith may be hypocrites in your eyes. You have a freedom to choose for your heart. What does your heart really tell you? Is it really made happy with possessions? Is it comforted by your current religion? Is it really just pleased with “Being You”?

Surely, if you dig deep enough, you’ll find an answer awaiting you. And I pray it’ll be the right one for you.

Organized Inside Out.

After an exam, I had to do what I always did… Clear the mess! And move some furniture around at 3a.m.!!! Real OCD lah… but it was worth it.

And this is the reason I would have to return later than scheduled to the motherland. Last exam on the 24th of July. But I’m going to have a good time learning stuff that I’ll need in the future.

And I assembled up the family photo! (Finally!) I love those little stones with words on it… Got it from the shop that sells really cheap gifts outside my house.

And I got myself something I’ve wanted for the longest time just yesterday… A pair of HOT RED 3-quarts – for a very cheap price! Around RM30. Which is really cheap for jeans over here. Yay, yay.

And this is my mummy, who’s birthday is today. People say we look like sisters, and I’m the elder one. -.-;; She is the best teacher I’ve ever known in the world. I’m serious. She taught me how to be a perfectionist. (Another reason why I’ll be going back later, I realised… after chatting with an old friend before hitting the sack after all that OCD-ical moving of furniture… ) She also taught me a lot of other things in life. From the trivial things like how to remember to take a bath… up to profound things like how to use my brain. Lol!

I love you, mummy! Happy birthday!

My Short Break From The Books.

So today, I went to the court to get my “Letter of Conduct”, one of the many documents I have to prepare to apply for my long term residence visa. The lady who was working behind the counter was really friendly. We definitely need more people like her in the CR. Another person who was really helpful was this old lady (well, she wasn’t *that* old, but she had gray hair…) we met at the Metro stop on the way there. The wind was so strong that the trolley she was pushing actually fell from her grip. I made a motion to help her but then she was alright again. Then later on, she saw us walking round and round the Metro finding our way to the court. While we were trying to guess which way to take, the old lady came up to us – this time, munching a banana – and began chattering away… something about her being familiar with the place, and asking to where we were going. We were finding a landmark, and to our delight, she was able to direct us to it!

Another miracle for the week. God is good.

Then in the evening, I went for Bible Study as usual, which was interesting today.

I also managed to get something done, something I wanted to have completed a long time ago but procrastinated until now… compiling my high school contact list. Didn’t take very long, though. And then I decided to give my class blog a makeover, too… something I wanted to have done sometime ago but was too busy studying, or doing other things away from the computer.

Well, that’s the end of my one-day break before another grueling 26 days to master Anatomy and Neuroanatomy. I’ll have to have a coupla hours to pack my post-Histology mess-of-a-room first, before that!

That’s all. I’m in a much better mood now.

Plus, I think a jaded friendship I wanted to have mended a long time ago is finally starting to get fixed.

Thank you God for everything.

Decided…

…to give myself more time for Neuroanatomy. 24th July, it is!

Many thanks to family and friends who have been so supportive.

To take or not to take?

I don’t know if I should plunge and take anatomy on the 3rd or take it on the 24th instead… :-S I really could do with extra study time especially for neuroanatomy.

Hmm.